Source: # Two Kitchens, One Quarrel *Hamid and Salma have been married six years, living with his parents in Hyderabad. Every small matter becomes a fight: who cooks, how money is spent, whose mother is right. Hamid goes silent; Salma raises her voice. Thei…* Hamid and Salma have been married six years, living with his parents in Hyderabad. Every small matter becomes a fight: who cooks, how money is spent, whose mother is right. Hamid goes silent; Salma raises her voice. Their five-year-old son has started clinging to Salma at night. Hamid's mother suggests prayer and patience, which they appreciate, but the arguments continue. Salma finally proposes that they see a couples and family therapist. Hamid is wary, saying, "Will they take her side?" The therapist says she is not there to judge who is right. She asks each to describe the pattern rather than the blame, and notices that the problem is less each person than the cycle: Salma pursues, Hamid withdraws, and both feel unheard. Later she invites his parents for one session, to talk about roles and respect in the house. Over several weeks they learn to speak in turns, to pause when voices rise, and to use calmer phrases like "I felt hurt when...". The therapist also respects their faith and values, and the couple brings those into their plan. The arguments do not vanish, but repair after a quarrel becomes faster, and their son sleeps better. Hamid admits later that the hardest part was listening without defending himself, and that it became easier with practice. ### How to recognise it - Repeated arguments over small matters with a pattern of pursuing and withdrawing. - Each partner feels unheard or blamed. - Children showing clinginess or sleep changes. - Extended family involvement adding pressure. - Silence or shouting that does not lead to solutions. ### What this story explains Family and couples therapy treat the relationship pattern, not one guilty person. It can include extended family and respect culture and faith. ### Probable root causes - Poor communication habits and unspoken expectations. - Stress from sharing a house and finances. - Different family roles and customs. - Individual stress or unresolved hurts. ### What to do 1. Agree together that you want help, without blaming. 2. Look for a therapist who works with couples and families. 3. Share your values and faith openly so they can be respected. 4. Practise speaking in turns and pausing when angry. 5. Involve elders only if everyone agrees. 6. Review progress after a few sessions. ### Whom to consult - Couples or family therapist when quarrels repeat for months. - Counsellor or clinical psychologist if one partner is struggling with anxiety, depression or anger. - Emergency service if anyone feels unsafe or there is any violence. ### Do and don’t **Do** | **Don’t** | Speak about feelings, not accusations. | Do not shout or threaten. | Take turns listening. | Do not bring up old wrongs repeatedly. | Take a break when angry. | Do not drag children into taking sides. | Respect each other's family and faith. | Do not use silence as punishment. | Keep the child out of the fights. | Do not expect the therapist to pick a winner. | ### How to behave and communicate - Use "I feel" language: "I feel alone when we do not talk." - Reflect back: "Let me check I heard you." - Keep voices low and sentences short. - Thank the other for trying. [All 35 chapters](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/chapters/) · [183 stories from real life](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/stories/) · [61 Hindu shloks for the mind](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/shlokas/) · [Psychology for Everyone – A Mental Well Being Series](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/) [myadvisorfriend@gmail.com](mailto:myadvisorfriend@gmail.com) · [Contact](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/contact/) · [About](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/about/) · [Privacy](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/privacy/) · [Disclaimer](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/disclaimer/) --- *Psychology for Everyone – A Mental Well Being Series* by Satish Zope · free to read · Contact: [myadvisorfriend@gmail.com](mailto:myadvisorfriend@gmail.com) · [About](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/about/) · [Privacy](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/privacy/) · [Disclaimer](https://poonam.myadvisorfriend.com/disclaimer/)